How to Appear As If You’re Doing More With Your Life Than Other People Using Facebook in 6 Easy Steps

How to Appear As If You’re Doing More With Your Life Than Other People Using Facebook in 6 Easy Steps

            Have you ever wanted people to notice you? Feel like your Facebook newsfeed is filled with all your friends doing cool things and looking good doing it? Well they’re not! They’re just like you but they’ve already mastered the art of Facebook appearances and you can too with this easy six step guide to seem more successful on social networking websites!

1) Have a lot of friends – The first step in making your friend’s think you’re having a rich, fulfilling life based on your profile page is to have a lot of friends. Shake someone’s hands in class? Facebook’em. They’re in your science group? Facebook’em. You shook their hand a party and forgot their name five seconds later? Facebook’em! It’s not like you have anything to lose right? If they decline, you’re probably never going to have a conversation with them again regardless!

2) Use the “Check In” feature everywhere: Check in will be your best friend in the quest to appear important. It lets everyone know that you’re not at home, that you’re with friends and that you’re not watching Lost or Breaking Bad on Netflix (but more on that later for there is a time and place). This is the perfect opportunity for you to show the world that you are savvy enough to try new restaurants, go to a bar on a whim, and frequent the gym. Be sure to follow it up with a status update an hour later saying how exhausted your are for maximum effect (note-never say anything about losing weight or people will think either A- you’re fat, or B-you care about your appearance which isn’t cool to make explicit known)! Is your school or local team in the playoffs? Check in outside the stadium! Even if you can’t tell the shortstop from the ball boy, your friends will think you’re part of a community but more importantly, that money isn’t an issue for you and you’re taking advantage of it. Is the sun out for the first time in a month? Enjoy spending your free time day-drinking in the park. People will feel like you appreciate sunny days more than they do and will admire your strong connection to the earth (note – make sure you appear to be living a fulfilling life before you day drink in the park or people will think you are an alcoholic). Last tip! Be sure to include male/female names when applicable. No one will be jealous of a sausage fest or an ovary overload!

3) Post pictures of Everything: You see a puppy? Upload it. That graffiti your friend pointed out? Better upload it. That picture of you with sunglasses, curling your toes with a straw hat, sitting next to the v-neck donning five-o’clock shadowed dreamboat laughing? you know, that one with the grainy Polaroid filter attached? It’s gold, it’s gonna make you cool, and it’s gotta be uploaded. Make sure you caption the picture with “Took the day off work/school#playb4work”.People will forget all about how you accumulated tens of thousands of dollars on an education in order to get that job you just blew off and will just envy your free spirit. Also, men: now’s a good time to show off that six pack and back muscles you’ve been working on. Have someone take a picture of you in front of a landscape while slightly flexing. If done right, it will appear as if you’re in great shape but your attractiveness doesn’t define who you are.

4) Go to Europe – There’s nothing cooler or more apparently enlivening than going to Europe. Doesn’t matter where, doesn’t matter when, just at some point during your college career go to Europe. Document the trip with using Instagram and take pictures with attractive locals to seem culturally accepted. If you’re strapped for cash (if this is the case, you may want to invest in “How to appear like you’re doing just alright on Facebook because you can’t afford to go to Europe”), you may want to go to Southwestern Russia instead. All the perks of saying you were in Europe over the summer without spending an arm and leg to get there! At some point, have someone take a picture of you standing on a walking bridge in front of a river. For the full effect, look away from the camera, appearing in deep thought with a modest smile, dress, and disposition at being a young American man/woman in a big world. Venice is ideal for this setting but Paris, Rome, London, and Amsterdam work as well. It won’t be long before your pictures rise to the top of the news feed and everyone will yearn for and compliment your innate need to travel.

5) Get an Internship – Before you get a job, make sure you get an internship. The company doesn’t have to be well known or even exist but make sure you have a website you can point out if any butthurt cynical Stanley’s call BS. If all else fails, call it a start-up, most people don’t even know what that is anyway. The format is as follows, “Just got an internship at _____________. So excited!” However, I can’t stress this enough, if you don’t sell this status update as anything but modest, people will immediately assume you’re boasting. Tap into your childhood practice of telling people your painting “isn’t that good”, or that your “paper was so bad, you probably got a ‘C’” despite being a straight “A” student. Facebook friends flock to anything internship related. You could almost say, “Obligatory Internship update: ‘likes’ to the right”. The number will skyrocket as your real friends congratulate you and your disloyal friends attempt to curb any indication of jealousy.

6) Finally, “like” all the causes, events, and personalities you can. Contrary to your adolescence, it’s cool to care about politics now. Nothing screams “I’m smart, informed, and a political activist” than adding your name to a list of a million others who like Jon Stewart. There’s no easier way to fight poverty, global warming, and corporate greediness than “liking” the applicable facebook page! People will disregard how you just added “saving the planet” to your favorite activities list despite ironically wasting electricity browsing the internet and will just think you care about the environment. And when it backfires, like it did with “Kony 2012” campaign, as long as you don’t mention it, and your friends don’t mention it, it will be as if it all never happened.

            In conclusion, these are just a few of the many actions to take when addressing the overall image of success you’ve displayed on your Facebook profile. It might take a while, but it will be well worth it as people you never see envy your escapades. Remember, modesty whenever possible, financially stable but not rich, and above all, don’t be ugly.