Nick Sherman

Today I learned a valuable lesson: Never go to a baseball game with your parents if your dad is over 50. If you tell him the deal you got on seats he’ll have you know he used to get in for a dollar, if you try to get him to get up and dance he’ll tell you to sit down and watch the game, and if you buy him a hot dog he’ll tell you they used to make them bigger and that this one is smaller than his dick. I immediately regretted adding mayonnaise to mine.

While all of those are a good basis to avoid going to a baseball game with your dad, the real reason is that he’ll get nostalgic and jealous. My dad looks at talented young athletes like John Wayne Gacy looks at boy scouts.

“I can’t hit a hardball anymore Nick,” he’ll tell me, “In my over 55 league, I must have batted about .140; probably had four hits the whole season. I just can’t keep my eye on the ball like I could before; it makes me want to see an eye doctor.”

Perhaps an eye doctor is just a bit too specific for this lapse in ability. It certainly couldn’t have anything to do with the natural deterioration of his strength, reflexes, and cognition now could it?

It’s one of the worse cases of denial I’ve seen, and this rationalization has seeped into his habit of buying things he thinks he needs.

 “Did your brother tell you? I bought a new bat!”

“Again?” I asked him.

“No, I just got this a few weeks ago. It’s a two hundred fifty dollar titanium bat, but they gave it to me for $216.”

“That’s a lot of money for a bat, Dad. Have you used it yet?”

“Nope. I still need to make sure it’s legal in my league. Most of the umpires don’t care, but some of them take it really seriously.”

“You don’t say.”

I could only nod my head in an odd mix of pity, contempt, and disbelief. Two years ago, my Dad got pegged and had back pain for weeks. The year before that, he ripped a hamstring sprinting to first. The year before that, he tore his rotator cuff sliding head first into second base. What’s going to happen one of these days if he decides to round third? He’s 62 years old and he plays ball like he’s a kid. Ever since he passed 40 it seemed the only part of him that hadn’t been injured was his pride but that changed after today.

As a diving catch in the outfield erupted a roar of applause around the fourth inning, the yearning from his eyes dripped into his fourth beer. He swallowed it down and got a refill.

“I don’t think I can play baseball anymore,” he started, “I think I’ll have to only play softball.” My Dad is the second oldest player in the  neighborhood softball league, runner-up only to a man who gets down on one knee, praying before every at bat and named the team after himself‒”The Bob’s”. Bob is 65 and thinks his underhand pitch with backspin is unhittable. He also thinks his daughter is unhittable, but I can contend to that.

“Even if you can’t play hardball Dad, softball’s still fun though isn’t it?” I asked.

He grunted and took a sip from his beer. He let it sit in his mouth for a minute then wiped the back of his hand across his lips. He didn’t say anything but I knew what he was thinking: his son’s playing shortstop and left field while he sits in right, finally getting on base, then his wife hits into a double play, telling her that fly ball she misread was a “hard catch” if he wanted a kiss goodnight.

 I’d always wished that my dad would someday realize that it was enough to have had fun; that he’d gotten the most out of his youth when he had the chance. Sure, everyone wishes they could be a great baseball player or something like that but the truth is, we can’t all be winners. Isn’t it enough to just be a player? To know that you got on the field, swung your hardest, and maybe even gotten to first, second, or third base with girls on the other team like I did? The ballpark makes him especially sentimental but it’s hard for me to feel bad for him when he’s sitting next to his wife and child staring off at the green grass of the field wondering “what if”. Despite the physical and aesthetic evidence to the contrary, it makes me wonder if he’s grown up at all.

The game ended and we left the stadium with the excited crowd. He stood in front of a statue of Willie Mays and I turned to see him narrow his brow.

“C’mon Dad, Mom’s waiting for us.”

“He was such a good player,” he said, “I’d watch him whenever I got the chance.”

“He was a professional but… he grew up too you know. You got your shot, just like he did.”

“He probably played till he couldn’t pick up a bat.”

“And as much as it scares me, I know you will too.”

“I don’t think so. I’m already resorting to softball; I won’t be playing that much longer. Can you imagine? Willie Mays in our league playing softball?” He gritted a smile and laughed disingenuously. Putting his hands in his pockets he walked towards me, turning back one last time to look at the statue.

“I’ll bet he never quit playing baseball.”

 “You might be right Dad, but he probably just had a better eye doctor.”

Smokin' Hot Fireman Press Release

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Far Cry 3 Review

Far Cry 3 Review – Nicolas Sherman

Far Cry 3 is a game all about choices: Do you sneak into the base and silently kill each guard one by one? Do you snipe from afar or go in guns blazing? Do you go save your friends before or after you hunt Tiger skin so you can craft a pouch to hold even more Tiger skin? It’s the variety and freedom of play styles combined with solid gameplay and an engrossing story that make Far Cry 3 one of the best, most memorable games this year.

            Far Cry 3 is a game that came out of nowhere. Lost between the big November releases such as Black Ops II, Assassin’s Creed III, Halo 4 (you see where I’m going with this) and more, it’s easy to overlook a game that hasn’t received as much publicity or anticipation as others. Don’t let its lacking of attention fool you however, as Far Cry 3 is anything but.

            You play as the aptly named “Jason Brody”, a California native out on vacation with his friends who’s lured into skydiving above “Rook Island” and is captured by pirates to be sold into slavery. It’s here you’re introduced to the game’s central villain, Vaas, a demented, sadistic warlord played and voiced impeccably well like few other video game villains before him. After escaping Vaas’s camp you’re recruited by the natives of Rook Island to tap into your inner “warrior” and free the island and your friends by fighting back. As stated before, how you choose to fight back is entirely up to you.

            The Far Cry series has always been a game formed around multiple play styles and that trend hasn’t changed with the third iteration. There’s so much to do in this game and so much to see that you’ll find yourself avoiding the main story entirely just to find out what’s in that underwater cave or how far you can manage to fly using the island’s plentiful hang gliders. With a leveling up system based around earning skill points for experimentation, upgrades for your character for hunting specific wildlife, and completing side-quests you’ll have no shortage of side activities to keep you entertained if the plight of saving your family and friends proves dull. You find money from looting dead enemies and chests lying around in abandoned sheds and caves which usually hold ammo or trinkets to sell back to stores for weapon attachments, ammo refills, or medical supplies. Doing these side quests are not only addicting, challenging, and fun, but outfit your character with better supplies incentivizing you complete them.

            One of the themes of the game is what it takes from you when you take another’s life and ironically, you end up taking a lot of lives and level up because of it. Kills grant you experience points which grant you perk-like additions a-la Fallout 3 to your “Tataus” which range from swimming 25% faster to shooting your pistol from a zip line. Headshots are worth more XP, as are silent knife takedowns, and multi-kills.

None of this would be as fun however if it didn’t look so great doing and thankfully, Far Cry 3 is gorgeous. Straight out of a Bahamas’ travel brochure, Rook Island looks and sounds like a paradise. Dense jungles with believable (and stealth-aiding) foliage, giant waterfalls with rushing rapids, dazzling fires that spread across the hills, and sensational sunsets which you can’t help but stare at make for a incredible playground. The graphics aren’t the greatest we’ve seen yet but that isn’t to say they aren’t fantastic and considering there’s no slowdown with a solid frame rate, I have no complaints. Sound design is excellent as well. Gun shots are powerful as is the sickening scoop of skinning an animal for the first time. The growl of a leopard as it stalks you in the grass will make your hair stand. The air rushes past and birds fly by as you soar through the air in your hang glider. What must be commented on is the voice acting of the supporting characters. Vaas’s monologues are frightening and heartfelt and the cut scene acting is top-notch. Jason’s friends display reserved trauma in your interactions with them turning into real people as the island wears on them despite their fairly uninteresting, stereotypical roles they start out as.

The writing in the game is equal parts moving, terrifying, and hilarious. Jason and his friends have been through a lot and to see them try to come back from that is in no way campy or melodramatic. The villains sound bloodthirsty and soulless and the people you encounter are witty and genuine. Every bit of treasure you find which could be “someone’s car keys” or a “green poker chip” is accompanied by a description with laugh out loud results. Oliver’s insistence on remaining high throughout the ordeal is a bit excessive but nothing that can’t be forgiven after you read about the elusive “White-Bellied Tapir” and its “why not?” reason for existence.

 Far Cry 3 is not without its share of island storms however: The weapon switching system is a little finicky which is fine when you’re running around the island but when there’s a bear in your face and you’re trying to whip out your shotgun only to get stuck in the menu wheel, it becomes apparent. Path of the hunter side missions are fun until that last remaining deer decides to run out of the kill zone and over a cliff leading you to run in circles for ten minutes trying to find it. Driving can be somewhat of a pain as well when they don’t highlight the proper roads to take. Perhaps this is just acting spoiled since the days of GTA IV’s in game GPS but you’ll find yourself driving off cliffs or circling back to find that one bridge to get to your next objective more often than you’d like. It got to the point where I almost avoided driving entirely. Besides, it was much more fun to find a hang glider!

            The multiplayer and co-op can’t compete with the main story but are certainly strong enough diversions to merit a playthrough. Co-op is spit into 6 chapters with simple objectives such as clearing out an enemy base or the always popular, blowing of a bridge. There’s a class system involved for assault, sniper, rush, and support characters but unless you get four people to actively play their role, you’re all going to find yourself at the front line fighting for kills. There are competitions involving transporting explosives on water skis, who can snipe the most bad guys, or hitting moving boats with RPGs that serve to break up the repetitive objectives but are little more than just that. The story and characters aren’t even half as interesting with the only differences in personality made by accents and the amount of times they choose to curse (Callum appears the most charming by this logic).

In the multiplayer portion you’ll find just about what you’d come across in any other shooter. Your smorgasbord of Team Deathmatch, Domination, and Capture the flag variants are spiced up slightly by “Battle Cry’s”, a power-up you can give to your team in the heat of battle such as more health or better accuracy, being able to revive your teammates if they’re down, and being able to slide on your butt around the battlefield. Maps do their part which are usually just villages with a couple huts and raises in elevation with a path around the perimeter. There are kill streaks like “scouts” which function eerily similar to “Spy Planes” and air strikes to reward players who rack up the kills.

            Far Cry 3 is not the best shooter released this year but that’s not what it’s trying to be. While providing an excellent first person shooter experience with a story that keeps you playing, it’s the combined effort of the little things that make it worth experiencing. The way Jason brings the gun closer when he approaches cover, how dust kicks into the air when you slide across the dirt, how you can tell you’re drowning not by a meter but by blurring vision and Jason’s desperate, internal gasps. When you make your first kill Jason is mortified, when you skin an animal he cringes in a “why me?” manner and groans in disgust. He pants for breath when sprinting and grunts when he falls too far and thuds to the ground, his hands slamming forward to help break it. It’s these little touches and animations that serve to make Jason appear more human than your typical 1^st person shooter badass and make his character all the more relatable because of it. The feeling you get when you sneak into an enemy encampment, pick off a few guards, then shoot open the cage of an Ostrich to finish the rest is not only unique to the game, but provides a unique satisfaction you won’t find anywhere else. Whether or not you choose to skin your flightless friend into a larger syringe pack is up to you.

+Well acted, mature, gripping story

+Refined gameplay and variety

+Plenty of things to do

‒ Little glitches somewhat hamper experience

Overall: 9.3/10

How to Appear As If You’re Doing More With Your Life Than Other People Using Facebook in 6 Easy Steps

How to Appear As If You’re Doing More With Your Life Than Other People Using Facebook in 6 Easy Steps

            Have you ever wanted people to notice you? Feel like your Facebook newsfeed is filled with all your friends doing cool things and looking good doing it? Well they’re not! They’re just like you but they’ve already mastered the art of Facebook appearances and you can too with this easy six step guide to seem more successful on social networking websites!

1) Have a lot of friends – The first step in making your friend’s think you’re having a rich, fulfilling life based on your profile page is to have a lot of friends. Shake someone’s hands in class? Facebook’em. They’re in your science group? Facebook’em. You shook their hand a party and forgot their name five seconds later? Facebook’em! It’s not like you have anything to lose right? If they decline, you’re probably never going to have a conversation with them again regardless!

2) Use the “Check In” feature everywhere: Check in will be your best friend in the quest to appear important. It lets everyone know that you’re not at home, that you’re with friends and that you’re not watching Lost or Breaking Bad on Netflix (but more on that later for there is a time and place). This is the perfect opportunity for you to show the world that you are savvy enough to try new restaurants, go to a bar on a whim, and frequent the gym. Be sure to follow it up with a status update an hour later saying how exhausted your are for maximum effect (note-never say anything about losing weight or people will think either A- you’re fat, or B-you care about your appearance which isn’t cool to make explicit known)! Is your school or local team in the playoffs? Check in outside the stadium! Even if you can’t tell the shortstop from the ball boy, your friends will think you’re part of a community but more importantly, that money isn’t an issue for you and you’re taking advantage of it. Is the sun out for the first time in a month? Enjoy spending your free time day-drinking in the park. People will feel like you appreciate sunny days more than they do and will admire your strong connection to the earth (note – make sure you appear to be living a fulfilling life before you day drink in the park or people will think you are an alcoholic). Last tip! Be sure to include male/female names when applicable. No one will be jealous of a sausage fest or an ovary overload!

3) Post pictures of Everything: You see a puppy? Upload it. That graffiti your friend pointed out? Better upload it. That picture of you with sunglasses, curling your toes with a straw hat, sitting next to the v-neck donning five-o’clock shadowed dreamboat laughing? you know, that one with the grainy Polaroid filter attached? It’s gold, it’s gonna make you cool, and it’s gotta be uploaded. Make sure you caption the picture with “Took the day off work/school#playb4work”.People will forget all about how you accumulated tens of thousands of dollars on an education in order to get that job you just blew off and will just envy your free spirit. Also, men: now’s a good time to show off that six pack and back muscles you’ve been working on. Have someone take a picture of you in front of a landscape while slightly flexing. If done right, it will appear as if you’re in great shape but your attractiveness doesn’t define who you are.

4) Go to Europe – There’s nothing cooler or more apparently enlivening than going to Europe. Doesn’t matter where, doesn’t matter when, just at some point during your college career go to Europe. Document the trip with using Instagram and take pictures with attractive locals to seem culturally accepted. If you’re strapped for cash (if this is the case, you may want to invest in “How to appear like you’re doing just alright on Facebook because you can’t afford to go to Europe”), you may want to go to Southwestern Russia instead. All the perks of saying you were in Europe over the summer without spending an arm and leg to get there! At some point, have someone take a picture of you standing on a walking bridge in front of a river. For the full effect, look away from the camera, appearing in deep thought with a modest smile, dress, and disposition at being a young American man/woman in a big world. Venice is ideal for this setting but Paris, Rome, London, and Amsterdam work as well. It won’t be long before your pictures rise to the top of the news feed and everyone will yearn for and compliment your innate need to travel.

5) Get an Internship – Before you get a job, make sure you get an internship. The company doesn’t have to be well known or even exist but make sure you have a website you can point out if any butthurt cynical Stanley’s call BS. If all else fails, call it a start-up, most people don’t even know what that is anyway. The format is as follows, “Just got an internship at _____________. So excited!” However, I can’t stress this enough, if you don’t sell this status update as anything but modest, people will immediately assume you’re boasting. Tap into your childhood practice of telling people your painting “isn’t that good”, or that your “paper was so bad, you probably got a ‘C’” despite being a straight “A” student. Facebook friends flock to anything internship related. You could almost say, “Obligatory Internship update: ‘likes’ to the right”. The number will skyrocket as your real friends congratulate you and your disloyal friends attempt to curb any indication of jealousy.

6) Finally, “like” all the causes, events, and personalities you can. Contrary to your adolescence, it’s cool to care about politics now. Nothing screams “I’m smart, informed, and a political activist” than adding your name to a list of a million others who like Jon Stewart. There’s no easier way to fight poverty, global warming, and corporate greediness than “liking” the applicable facebook page! People will disregard how you just added “saving the planet” to your favorite activities list despite ironically wasting electricity browsing the internet and will just think you care about the environment. And when it backfires, like it did with “Kony 2012” campaign, as long as you don’t mention it, and your friends don’t mention it, it will be as if it all never happened.

            In conclusion, these are just a few of the many actions to take when addressing the overall image of success you’ve displayed on your Facebook profile. It might take a while, but it will be well worth it as people you never see envy your escapades. Remember, modesty whenever possible, financially stable but not rich, and above all, don’t be ugly.