How to Appear As If You’re Doing More
With Your Life Than Other People Using Facebook in 6 Easy Steps
Have you ever wanted people to
notice you? Feel like your Facebook newsfeed is filled with all your friends
doing cool things and looking good doing it? Well they’re not! They’re just
like you but they’ve already mastered the art of Facebook appearances and you
can too with this easy six step guide to seem more successful on social
networking websites!
1)
Have a lot of friends – The first step in making your friend’s think you’re
having a rich, fulfilling life based on your profile page is to have a lot of
friends. Shake someone’s hands in class? Facebook’em. They’re in your science
group? Facebook’em. You shook their hand a party and forgot their name five
seconds later? Facebook’em! It’s not like you have anything to lose right? If
they decline, you’re probably never going to have a conversation with them
again regardless!
2)
Use the “Check In” feature everywhere:
Check in will be your best friend in the quest to appear important. It lets
everyone know that you’re not at home, that you’re with friends and that you’re
not watching Lost or Breaking Bad on Netflix (but more on that later for there
is a time and place). This is the perfect opportunity for you to show the world
that you are savvy enough to try new restaurants, go to a bar on a whim, and
frequent the gym. Be sure to follow it up with a status update an hour later
saying how exhausted your are for maximum effect (note-never say anything about
losing weight or people will think either A- you’re fat, or B-you care about
your appearance which isn’t cool to make explicit known)! Is your school or
local team in the playoffs? Check in outside the stadium! Even if you can’t
tell the shortstop from the ball boy, your friends will think you’re part of a
community but more importantly, that money isn’t an issue for you and you’re
taking advantage of it. Is the sun out for the first time in a month? Enjoy
spending your free time day-drinking in the park. People will feel like you
appreciate sunny days more than they do and will admire your strong connection
to the earth (note – make sure you appear to be living a fulfilling life before
you day drink in the park or people will think you are an alcoholic). Last tip!
Be sure to include male/female names when applicable. No one will be jealous of
a sausage fest or an ovary overload!
3)
Post pictures of Everything: You see
a puppy? Upload it. That graffiti your friend pointed out? Better upload it. That
picture of you with sunglasses, curling your toes with a straw hat, sitting
next to the v-neck donning five-o’clock shadowed dreamboat laughing? you know,
that one with the grainy Polaroid filter attached? It’s gold, it’s gonna make
you cool, and it’s gotta be uploaded. Make sure you caption the picture with
“Took the day off work/school#playb4work”.People will forget all about how you
accumulated tens of thousands of dollars on an education in order to get that
job you just blew off and will just
envy your free spirit. Also, men: now’s a good time to show off that six pack
and back muscles you’ve been working on. Have someone take a picture of you in
front of a landscape while slightly flexing. If done right, it will appear as
if you’re in great shape but your attractiveness doesn’t define who you are.
4)
Go to Europe – There’s nothing cooler or more apparently enlivening than going
to Europe. Doesn’t matter where, doesn’t matter when, just at some point during
your college career go to Europe. Document the trip with using Instagram and
take pictures with attractive locals to seem culturally accepted. If you’re
strapped for cash (if this is the case, you may want to invest in “How to
appear like you’re doing just alright
on Facebook because you can’t afford to go to Europe”), you may want to go to
Southwestern Russia instead. All the perks of saying you were in Europe over
the summer without spending an arm and leg to get there! At some point, have
someone take a picture of you standing on a walking bridge in front of a river.
For the full effect, look away from the camera, appearing in deep thought with
a modest smile, dress, and disposition at being a young American man/woman in a
big world. Venice is ideal for this setting but Paris, Rome, London, and
Amsterdam work as well. It won’t be long before your pictures rise to the top
of the news feed and everyone will yearn for and compliment your innate need to
travel.
5)
Get an Internship – Before you get a job, make sure you get an internship. The
company doesn’t have to be well known or even exist but make sure you have a website you can point out if any
butthurt cynical Stanley’s call BS. If all else fails, call it a start-up, most
people don’t even know what that is anyway. The format is as follows, “Just got
an internship at _____________. So excited!” However, I can’t stress this
enough, if you don’t sell this status update as anything but modest, people
will immediately assume you’re boasting. Tap into your childhood practice of telling
people your painting “isn’t that good”, or that your “paper was so bad, you
probably got a ‘C’” despite being a straight “A” student. Facebook friends flock
to anything internship related. You could almost say, “Obligatory Internship
update: ‘likes’ to the right”. The number will skyrocket as your real friends
congratulate you and your disloyal friends attempt to curb any indication of
jealousy.
6)
Finally, “like” all the causes, events, and personalities you can. Contrary to
your adolescence, it’s cool to care about politics now. Nothing screams “I’m
smart, informed, and a political activist” than adding your name to a list of a
million others who like Jon Stewart. There’s no easier way to fight poverty,
global warming, and corporate greediness than “liking” the applicable facebook
page! People will disregard how you just added “saving the planet” to your
favorite activities list despite ironically wasting electricity browsing the
internet and will just think you care about the environment. And when it
backfires, like it did with “Kony 2012” campaign, as long as you don’t mention
it, and your friends don’t mention it, it will be as if it all never happened.
In conclusion, these are just a few
of the many actions to take when addressing the overall image of success you’ve
displayed on your Facebook profile. It might take a while, but it will be well
worth it as people you never see envy your escapades. Remember, modesty whenever
possible, financially stable but not rich, and above all, don’t be ugly.
